My Immortal- A commentary by Pasta-Chan
by pastafangirl
Summary: A commentary on the monstrosity "My Immortal" by me, Pasta-chan. Rated M because that is what the original was rated, I believe. Warnings: Mary-sue, Incorrect grammar, OOC, My own sarcastic remarks :) and more.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, Pasta-chan here, I decided to do a commentary on the horrible excuse for a fanfiction "My Immortal" By Tara Gillesbie. My Comments will be written in bold and the actual story written in normal text. Warning: May cause loss of brain cells and anger. I am not responsible for any injury that may be inflicted on you, your computer. I'm doing this for you people, I felt my IQ drop reading this!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own this story (thank god!) nor do I own Harry Potter. I do however own my commentary and my computer. **

*********************************On with the Commentary***********************************

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik** I don't get it, what is a 'goffick'? I know what a gothic is but not a 'goffic'**) 2 my gf (ew not in that way **Wasn't even thinking that**) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling** Are you sure she helped you? Why not use spellcheck instead, hmm?**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **Didn't need to know that and you don't sound depressed.**

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way** Oh this is just perfect! Dementia: A chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality change, and impaired reasoning. ** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **You were born with long black hair?!**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears** How can tears be limpid, water is clear not blue?** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **Wish I could but I'm stuck here, sadly. **). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **So you like incest. Whatever floats your boat, man. **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **mine are shaped like unicorns**. I have pale white skin.***sarcasm* No, really, I would have never guessed. **I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **Hogwarts is in Scotland and since you are a vampire you would not be allowed to go** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)**I thought you were five**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell **I couldn't**) and I wear mostly black **Stereotypes**. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **First of all, Hot Topic is an American company and the only other country with Hot Topic is Canada. Second, since when is Hot Topic a gothic store, I get my anime shirts from there**. For example** we don't need one** today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots **What happened to the uniform?**. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **But your already pale. Why bother?**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow **The mental image scared me**. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **It's called sleet **so there was no sun **Really?**, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.** Just say you flipped them off and are you sure it means the same in England?**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **It's not "…." it's "…" In proper grammar there are three.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **WHAT'S THIS MY EARS ARE PICKING UP?! SHY?! DRACO MALFOY?! HAS THE APOCOLYPSE COME FOR US?! *goes and cries in corner***

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **No goodbye? How rude!**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **No it was not and that was an awful pun, stop making it.**

**A/N: Here is the first chapter of this monstrosity. One down and… 43 more to go =_=. Oh dear. I apologize if anyone's IQ dropped by reading this. And yes I will be doing the 'hacker' chapter as well.**

**-Pasta-chan**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is Chapter 2 of the so-called story "My Immortal" and it makes about as much sense as the last one! Try not to gouge your eyes out or stab your computer! **

**Disclaimer: Once again I own nothing but my comments and computer**

*********************************On with the Commentary***********************************

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta **Use spellcheck and you realize that goths aren't all satanists**! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **But we don't want to stop *pout* It's just so much fun!**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom **Huh. I usually wake up in my T.V.**. It was snowing and raining again **Sleet**. I opened the door of my coffin **But Hogwarts has four-posters!**and drank some blood from a bottle I had** Psh, Cliché**. My coffin was black ebony** Ebony is a shade of black there for you cannot have black ebony as black is not a shade of ebony** and inside it was hot pink velvet **Because all goths love pink, don't they? **with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas** We don't need to know, you Mary-Sue**. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **Again what happened to the uniform? Won't you get in trouble?**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **Where else would you put them?**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun **I thought there was only one type of messy bun *is honestly confused***.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!** I feel bad for this 'Raven' person**) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Whoa, whoa, whoa! She grinned at you without opening her eyes?! And she had just woken up and therefore had no idea where you were?! How?!** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **Seriously what happened to the uniform?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.** So? It was for five seconds.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **I thought you were a vampire, how do you blush? A vampire by definition has no blood there for making it impossible for them to blush?**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **How did you get that from "Hi" "Hi"? And how did you get to the great hall that fast? It isn't in the dungeons.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **No need to get defensive. Sheesh, calm down girl!**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **You just contradicted yourself =_=**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. ** Wait a second, back it up! Good Charlotte is a muggle band, Hogsmeade is a wizarding village. Do you see what's wrong there? **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Seriously they're muggles how do they know about Hogsmeade**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped **because I had just realized something. I was a Mary-Sue**.

**A/N: Okay, two chapters down… 42 more to go. T-T WHY?! Okay, I'm going to try to have this finished as soon as possible because I don't want to have to subject my brain to more torture. Have a good day!**

** -Pasta-chan**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ughhh, here is another chapter of the monstrosity called "My Immortal". With my sarcastic remarks. Warnings are the same as last time. Now let's go see how our favorite Mary-Sue is doing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my computer and thoughts**

*************************************Mary-Sue Time!***************************************

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK** Don't stop, please continue with the flaming**! Odderwize **It's called spellcheck dude** fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reviews** Tara, don't make multiple accounts just to get good reviews**! FANGS AGEN RAVEN** I wouldn't be thanking her if I was you**! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **What do you mean you don't own this story?! Who does then?! **or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Obviously**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red **Tongue Twister **fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **Do you mean lace?**on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms **I don't like the mental image. Stop describing everything you were**. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky **How?**. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists** That is not something to joke about. That is a serious problem**. I read a depressing book** What was it? Twilight? It was,wasn't it?**while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC** Aren't you about to go to their concert that shouldn't be happening because they're muggles and shouldn't even know about Hogsmeade**. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner **Why? Do you want to look like a raccoon**. Then I put on some black lipstick** Lighten up on the black there, girlie! You're going a little overboard**. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway** Then why did you do it before *facepalm***. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Next time, I go to a concert I must remember to drink some human blood.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car** Flying cars are illegal**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt **MUGGLE BAND!*dies from the lack of common sense in story***(they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!** No, they don't**).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Does not compute. !+depressed= ERROR! *shuts down***

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **Don't put my name in this monstrosity! Oh wait, you're talking about the car. Nevermind, carry on.** (the license plate said 666 **Again not all goths are Satanists.**) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte **Fangirl much? **and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Oh yeah because that's sooooo cool! You want to know what's even cooler? We you're in the hospital and dying of lung cancer or getting arrested for possession of illegal substances! **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car **Did you break anything?**. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).** Obviously because that is spelt right and geez that song sounds disturbing!**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.** Because that is exactly what you say when you're on a date… and I thought you were outside!**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **I know, Draco, it's awful. It's okay, it's okay, I won't let the Mary-Sue get you! Just walk the OOC off! *cries***

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **You didn't hurt yourself did you?**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **AHHHHHHHH! THE OOC! IT BURNS! IT BURNNNNNNSSSSSS!**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **HER FACE IS BLONDE?!**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer** You want to know what's cooler than that? Ending up in the hospital because of liver damage due to alcohol! **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees **THEY ARE MUGGLES! THEY SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT HOGSMEADE! *dies once more***. Draco and I crawled **because walking is like so mainstream, ya know? **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… **Did you fall asleep on the computer there, amigo? **the Forbidden Forest! **Yes! Draco kill the Mary-Sue, before it reproduces! KILL IT WITH FIRE!**

****************Page break made possible by Awesomeness and my over-inflated ego***************

**A/N: Yay! We're done with this chapter! I apologize for any possible damage that may have occurred as a result. On a completely different note, I've been thinking of doing a Harry Potter one-shot based on the song "Gay or European?" from "Legally Blonde: The Musical". What do you think? Let me know in the reviews! **

** -Pasta-chan**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Chapter 4 now. We're getting closer to finishing, after this only 40 more chapters, yay… or not. My IQ is dropping and I haven't got a single review. If you read this please leave a review, so I don't just drop this in favor of saving brain cells. I do this for you guys not for me. Now to the Mary-Sue, OOC canon characters and now horrible lemons.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my laptop and thoughts.**

**Now Awesome Page break!**

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Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Wait, I'm confused is it Ebony or Enoby? **nut mary su **It's Mary-Sue **OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **I believe you mean different and love does not change the personality that greatly therefore your argument is invalid. **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **SPELLCHECK! IT COMES WITH WORD AND ANY OTHER WORD PROCESSOR OUT THERE! USE IT! YOU'RE MURDERING MINE!**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it** Draco, suicide isn't the answer! Don't walk out of a flying car when it's still in the air!**. I walked out of it too, curiously.** You, Mary-Sue, may walk out of a car in midair. Go fall now!**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Awww! You didn't fall! *sulks in Tamaki's corner"**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close **Oh no, he didn't lean in close. He leaned in **_**extra-close!**_and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**Okay where are we UK or America?** which revealed so much depressing sorrow** Redundancy is my middle name** and evilness **Why evilness?** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Offfff courseeeeee, you didn't. *dripping with sarcasm***

And then… **Tara, dear, you must stop falling asleep on the keyboard. **suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately** Draco kissed himself passionately?! Okay, if he's into selfcest, I'm okay with that**. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **Excuse me? How?**against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.** Oh dear, I know where this is going! Horrible lemon coming up peoples!** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **I could write a better lemon than that and I'm barely in highschool. I also need brain bleach. Draco! RUN FROM THE MARY-SUE!**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.**Really?! Never would have guessed!** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm** Technically since you're a vampire, your body would not be capable of becoming warm as blood helps regulate the body temperature and vampires have no blood**. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **Who is that?!**

It was….** Seriously stop falling asleep on the keyboard **Dumbledore! **Oh, now I want to hear Dumbledore say that!**

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**A/N: That is now my favorite page break. Let us have a moment of silence for my poor murdered spellcheck. I want lunch now. I'm gonna eat a corndog and do the next chapter. Is he gay or European or- /shot. I'm gonna shut up now.**

** -Pasta-chan**


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